


Four Things About You

by Everyone-is-gay-and-broken (SherlockIsaGirlsName2898)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel Has Panic Attacks, Depressed Castiel, Diary/Journal, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Social Anxiety, Srsly be careful my lovelies I don't want y'all to be triggered, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-02 17:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10223852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SherlockIsaGirlsName2898/pseuds/Everyone-is-gay-and-broken
Summary: Every day Cas has been told by his therapist to write down four things that made him smile.It's always the same, isolation, food, sleepovers with Charlie, until  suddenly, it's not the same.Until Dean Winchester slowly but surely makes his way into Castiel's four reasons to smile.





	1. Anathema

Castiel's POV

 

(1 day before college)

Dear diary. Here's a secret, because I was told that's what I'm supposed to put in these : I've never had a diary, never thought my feelings were important enough to be written down. But my therapist said this would help, so I hope you're ready for all my confessions. I don't even think I'm ready, why am I nervous? I get nervous around people but this is just paper, you're just paper. So why do you make me this nervous? Maybe it's because I've realized that this is the most intimate I've ever been. Ever.

So this is awkward huh? Here I am, just a kid, telling you I've never been close to anyone in my entire life. Actually I lied, I'm not a kid, I do that a lot, sorry, get used to it. I haven't been a kid for a while, I turned 19 last year but my childhood ended when I was 12 years old. Actually maybe I never had one, maybe even then it wasn't real, maybe my innocence was an illusion. How's that for messed up? God I'm even awkward with a person I just made up. Maybe I should give you a name. Who do I care about enough to name you after... Charlie? No that's weird, I'll feel like I'm revealing all this to her. I love her, but not enough. Maybe I should just call you friend. Simple, effective. I guess we'll have to decide for ourselves if we're actually going to be friends.

My therapist told me everyday I should write four things that make me smile. Considering my day was spent in my room reading Harry Potter for the 6th time, in an effort to block out the shouting from downstairs, I'm going to have to dig deep for this one.

1 – The light outside was really beautiful today.

2 – Thinking about going back to my real home tomorrow.

3 – Actually managing to phone the doctor's office without shaking (too much)

4 – Cheetos.

God I can't wait for tomorrow. This summer was insanely long, I felt so trapped with these people I'm supposed to call family, in that house I'm supposed to call home. My family is Charlie. And my home is a long way away from here.

I've missed college. Well, no that's not quite true. I've missed living on my own, I've missed my freedom, I've missed eating whatever I want, whenever I want, I've missed being able to lock myself in my room on my free days and sit in the dark. I've missed Charlie.

And now I just keep thinking about all that other stuff, the stuff I don't talk about. The lonely days, even worse the lonely nights. The insomnia, the suffocating, the anxiety. The Depression. And yes, I do write that word with a capital D. Because she's the big one, the big boss.

You know friend, this isn't really helping. I'm not saying I hate you, but this is nearly as exhausting as human interaction. I usually keep the bad thoughts in, they don't have a say in my life, but this? I feel like I'm setting them free, and I really, really don't like it. They're not supposed to be out. Sure, you might argue that this is me internalizing my feelings but what would you know friend? You're just an assignment my therapist gave me.


	2. Magnetism

Dean's POV

 

-First day of college-

 

“Son of a bitch!” 

The familiar words, almost like a catchphrase, leave my mouth before I can stop them. I sigh in frustration, assessing the damage caused by my mishap with the toothpaste. Thankfully it's not as much a catastrophe as I thought it would be. I scrub the mark on my shirt violently, taking out my irritation on it. After I've sufficiently attacked my poor shirt, I straighten myself and stare at my reflection in the mirror. 

I've never been so nervous about anything in my entire life; not when Sam broke his leg trying to climb the oak tree in the garden, not when I got called in the principle's office for the first time, not even when Dad caught me sneaking out my window to go to a party. I have no idea why all of a sudden this is bothering me so much. I didn't use to be like this, I remember when I wouldn't have cared about playing the guitar in front of thousands of people. So why now? Why today?

It feels like something big is coming, and I have no idea how to be prepared for it.

This is my first time going to college, it should have been my second, but I took a gap year instead to earn some extra money that I'm saving for my brother Sammy. The little guy better be grateful.

My palms are starting to sweat slightly and I groan at how pathetic this is. I look at myself and notice how bad I look. My eyes are red from lack of sleep, and let's not even start on the terrible bed hair. Although sex hair is kind of a good look on me, not gonna lie. 

“You finished admiring yourself pretty boy?” I hear dad shout from downstairs and I roll my eyes. I mean yes technically that is what I was doing but there's no need to be an ass about it. 

I quickly splash some water on my face, and dry myself off before running dangerously fast down the stairs. I plop down next to Sam who's already started breakfast.

“Hey Sammy” I say, snatching away the book next to his bowl. 

“It's Sam. And give that back Dean, I need it for school” Sam says way too seriously and I roll my eyes exaggeratedly at him. Of course it's always Sam, no matter how many times I call him Sammy he always corrects me, it's exhausting. 

I look at the selection of food in front of me then crinkle my nose, my appetite as always dangerously low. I stand up again, for some reason the stress of my first day is making me restless, causing me to grab my bag and head for the door, 10 minutes early. That's a first. 

“Bye Sam” 

I wink at my brother and he frowns at me, registering the fact that I finally gave in to his stupid little correction. I'm delighted to see he doesn't look too happy about it. Next to him, dad looks at me, and barely even flinches when I don't acknowledge him.

 

**

I thank God dad said I could drive the impala to school, because honestly I really need the impressed stares I get from other students to boost my confidence right now.

When I get out the car, I'm completely overwhelmed at how gigantic everything is. No really, I don't doubt for a second I'm going to get lost every morning if I don't make friends to show me the way. I take a deep breath and shake the feeling of loneliness off of me. 

I look around me, seeking out someone that looks helpful and nice. My eyes land on a group of giggling girls making their way to the entrance and I'm about to go ask them for help when my gaze get pulled somewhere else, on someone else. 

There, leaning on his car is a guy in a trenchcoat, head bent down looking at his phone. There's this strange magnetism to him. And he is definitely pulling off the sex hair. I have no idea why I can't look away but I just keep staring, realizing I must look really weird, mid walk, just staring at a stranger. The guy looks up and still I can't avert my eyes. Thankfully he just clenches his jaw and looks around, not noticing me. I notice his leg trembling slightly even from where I'm standing. Just as I'm about to snap out of it, he's joined by a red headed girl and as soon as they see each other, they hug and the mystery guy lifts her up in the air a bit. They stay in that embrace for a while, they're more smiles than people at this point. He puts the red head down and she looks around too. Except this time I'm not as fortunate as she sees me staring at them and I quickly avert my eyes from the pair. After a while of them hugging and me trying not to stare, the two link arms and make their way towards the school, chatting animatedly about something.

That's when I finally snap out of it. What the hell was that? I shake my head to get the grogginess out of myself. Yeah that must be it, sleep deprivation. There's no other explanation for the way I just zoned out on a total stranger. I rub my eyes violently in an effort to wake up completely and just as I'm about to walk towards the school and just wing it, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around and inspect the little guy in front of me. The only thing I can think of in my state is how strange the shape of his face is.

“Hi I'm Garth! You look like you need some help!” Somehow his voice sounds exactly like I expected it to, high and optimistic, kind of like a happy mouse. 

I frown at his optimism and shake my thoughts away from trenchcoat guy to answer properly, like actual people converse. 

“Uh yeah I'm new. You have any idea where I'm supposed to be going chuckles?” I say, looking him up and down. His smile is annoyingly bright and it looks like I could break him in two with how thin he looks. 

“Depends, where are you supposed to be pal?” 

I tell him the room number and he shakes his head up and down, seemingly completely enthralled in helping me. Lucky for me, the guy seems to know where everything is in this school.

And thankfully, after having a weird zoning out on a complete stranger, which I will always explain as me needing sleep, I finally know where I'm supposed to be. 

**

I need coffee, is all I can think as I sit in class, head in hand, hand nearly giving away. The rest of the class hasn't arrived yet, not even the teacher has. My thoughts scramble, between worry for my brother, worry for myself, and in the middle of it trenchcoat guy floats in my mind. 

Finally more students flood in and something catches my eye. Well rather someone. Strolling in like she owns the place, is the red head who was with mystery guy earlier. I find myself to be disappointed when I don't see her friend with her. She sees me again and grins from ear to ear for some reasons and sits next to me. 

“So. Sorry to tell you this but you're not really my type buddy, I prefer the ones who have boobs you know?” 

I stare at her for about 10 seconds, not even registering what she said until it hits me. She thought I as staring at them because I was attracted to her! As the realization hits me I burst out laughing, turning a few heads from surrounding students.

“Dude I wasn't going to hit on you! If anything I would've hit on your little friend.” I say, not even thinking about it. Would I really have hit on the guy? No, as I said, sleep deprivation. 

“Ooooooh you like Cassie! Oh this is so exciting!” She grins, looking like she just learned the best news ever. I narrow my eyes in confusion.

“Wait his name is Cassie? More importantly I don't like him, I've never talked to him he could be a real jerk. I just zoned out okay? Don't go all fangirl on me.” 

“Well technically his name is Castiel. And if you knew anything about fangirls, you should know that we can not be stopped. And by the way, Cas is like the sweetest person you'll ever meet, if that's your type" She finishes with a wink. 

This chick is crazy. Kind of like the little sister I never wanted. I'm definitely sticking with her.


End file.
